Home > When reality is just a fantasy...and the real reality sucks

When reality is just a fantasy...and the real reality sucks

January 8th, 2007 at 11:19 pm

First of all....the refund came through. I am glad to have my money back, but disheartened enough by Circuit City's lack of custmoner support, that I will NEVER shop with them again. buh-bye.

Now, the serious, not sofun part of Rays recent life..

I obviously made a few major fopahs in my quest to save money.

I quit doing things like getting my hair cut...wearing make-up, buying new clothes, going out...basically taking care of me.

Instead, I spent my days contemplating how to stretch the dollar a little to be able to stay home and take care of my parents and enjoy my husband, kids and grandkids...

And I thought, how to have a healthier, happier marriage.

I can remember very well the first time my husband mentioned a newly divorced female friend back in early November....and my mental red flag that came with it.

and then how he went and helped fix her trailer...

and DD3 asking who this was programmed on his cell phone....

and how her name suddenly became very common....and how he became MIA alot...the stories started not adding up...and the lies...and finally a tell all cell phone bill with hours of calls at all hours of the day and night....(the ones that hurt the most were those made when I was at the hospital with my mom or dad) He called her THREE TIMES ON CHRISTMAS....damn him.

and how it all snowballed into a big ugly December for me.

and finally, the ugly New Years weekend confrontation and a promise that "they were just friends...and he has severed all ties with her"...

and now I have this empty hole where my fantasy of my perfect life used to be...and anger where my naive enjoyment of my family used to be...

and self doubt...

and a whole bunch of decisions that I dont want to think about.

All of a sudden money doesnt seem so important...and nothing feels the same.

and I feel like a frumpy mess...and I have no idea how to make this ache go away.....

So why am I sharing this very embarrasing, very painful story?? Clearly, this is not something I tell my family...nor do I share it with my least not yet. Thank goodness for an outlet here...just typing it out feels like a baby-step purge.

20 Responses to “When reality is just a fantasy...and the real reality sucks”

  1. nance Says:

    Wow! I'm so sorry you are going through this. Don't you start feeling guilty about "not giving him enough attention" while caring for your parents and the kids. He is a grown man, and should have been there to support you through this.
    It is good you confronted the situation. Don't make any decisions until you can get over the initial pain. If he is sincere, you can work it out, with counseling, but it will take a long time to rebuild trust.
    Money is still important, so don't give up on that front. I hope things work out for you.
    I know the pain you are feeling, I've been there, too.

  2. Lau Says:

    What is it with these guys lately? Tina is having problems. You are!

    I'm really not the one to give advice on what to do. I will just you all my support and hope for the best. Take care of yourself Ray!

  3. LuxLiving Says:

    Oh Ray so sorry to hear this has been going on. It could be they really were just friends, but it sucks to have to be on the suspicious side.

    I'm with Reagan - trust but verify!

  4. debtfreeme Says:

    I am very sorry this has happened, and during the holidays too!

    I wish i had words of wisedom and comfort, but am glad you feel comfortable being able to share and start to feel better and more incomtrol of the situation. We are here for you.

  5. frugalmomof1 Says:

    I am sorry to hear you are going through this.

  6. janH Says:

    I'm so very sorry that you've been going through this! I'm with nance--you were taking care of everyone else in your life--he should have been taking care of YOU. I don't have any advice, but I want to add my voice to those who are thinking of you.

  7. cecilia Says:

    Ray, you have definitely are my inspiration, my heart is very sad that you are experiencing the heartache of a possible affair. First off know and remember that it is not all your fault. We women tend to take the full blame for everything and especially, when our man's eyes wonder. Secondly, do not jump to any conclusions/decisions; time is on your side. Slow down, say a lot of prayers for strength!

  8. marymara Says:

    You have created a home for him, probably borne his children, fixed his meals and worked to create a wonderful life. People make their own decisions and you are responsible only for your own. Your husband is responsible for his. What he does or doesn't do is not your fault. Please perk yourself up with a new lipstick or a new hairstyle. I have wanted to say that while our quest is to be debt free we cannot make money our God. And it is easy to think of money 24/7 in our excitement. Make your monthly plan and then step back, take a deep breath, and take care of yourself. I have the "haircut is coming up" blues too and will budget for it next month. God will provide.

  9. sarah Says:

    Your attempting to save money is not the problem. You are not responsible for his behavior.

  10. The Dollar Diva Says:

    Hi Ray. Just wanted to let you know that you will be in my prayers. It may not seem like it now but everything will be okay.

    "You have no control over what the other guy does. You only have control over what you do." -- A. J. Kitt

  11. boomeyers Says:

    You tell us because you know we love you and think you are quite spectacular the way you are!!!

  12. LuckyRobin Says:

    Gosh, Ray, I'm so sorry. This isn't fair to you at all.

  13. contrary1 Says:

    Been through just that & more. My guy was actually married to someone else while married to me! Gads, talk about the last to know something.

    Best thing was letting the other woman have the "gentleman"..... And, I don't know where I heard the quote that men are just like dogs....

    But, Dogs are Loyal.

    Chin up, this too shall pass. You will be a stronger person for it (my mom always says!) I thought I wouldn't live through my experience....and yet, here it is over a decade later & I'm still here.............loving my life. (and my dog!)

  14. monkeymama Says:

    I am really sorry - it does seem to be going around. You can vent to us anytime - (hugs).

  15. jersey jen Says:

    oh no! where are the csr?

  16. baselle Says:

    I'm sorry this happened. But think of it this way - if you didn't save money and weren't frugal, the results might have been the same - he might well have given you the excuse that "I did it because our lives are a mess and we are fighting all the time." The point is that your actions are not linked to his. If he did stray, he did it all his lonesome.

  17. tinapbeana Says:

    ray, i know there aren't words to describe the kind of heartache this kind of thing causes. it feels like the world as you know it ceases to exist and that you're a stranger living your life in your own home...

    i too feel frumpy and need a haircut and sit at home and wonder some times to the point of tears. it sucks. fact of the matter is, though, that both our DH's are responsible not just for their actions but for their half of the bargain. by 'the bargain' i mean open honest communication. if our DH's think we're sliding or not taking care of ourselves or focusing unhealthily on something, they should communicate. if your DH is truly just being there for a friend in need after a difficult divorce, he should have communicated that to you because that's what partners do, they communicate. even if it was just a friendship 'thing', the fact that the friendship was incognito is still a concern b/c he felt he couldn't share...

    and just my gut, if it was/is just a friendship, why would he volunteer that he had 'severed all ties with her'?

    with all that said, the only thing i can offer is to plase take care of yourself. i don't mean a haircut and a new lipstick, i mean something much more basic: to sit down and make sure to take time for the things that make you feel safe and sane. talk to your DH if you're comfortable. tell him you're still mulling things over and trying to make sense of it all if your not. either way, keep some form of communication open...

    my thoughts are with you, ray. please PM me if you need/want to vent more, just be forwarned i may feel the urge to do the same Wink

  18. rduell Says:

    I just saw this this morning, Ray, and then couldn't comment because of the technical issues going on. I just wanted to let you know how very sorry I am. It is all so very unfair even if it hasn't developed into a full-blown affair.

    None of this is your fault. He got sucked in by the situation of a needy woman that needed attention. That probably fed his ego because he felt important and needed.

    This happened to us 10 years ago so I know too well how you feel. DH didn't have an affair, but the woman was very depenedent on him and when he told her he could no longer talk to her at work and help her through her marriage problems she began calling me and harrassing me. In fact, that's how I found out about the whole thing, a phone call from her. Talk about thinking you didn't know who the man was you were married to and feeling like a total fool. I felt like the rest of the town had known all along (they didn't) and that I was a total idiot. It finally took a visit to the state police to get a trace placed on the phone so that they could make her stop calling us.

    I just want to give you a cyber [[[[[HUG]]]]] and let you know that I'm thinking of you.

  19. Ima saver Says:

    Ray, I have missed you so much. Please come back. I hope things are better, but I know it will take a while.

  20. moneycents Says:

    Please take care of yourself(((hugs))). Hopefully this was a temporary lapse of judgement on your husbands part. I hope he sees the light and your situation improves.

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